Dad Is Home - The 'Silver Lining' of Unemployment?

Alright, I have written a lot of depressing things relating to being unemployed, so as I was working on building my studio - during what the employed refer to as 'the workday' I began thinking back to my own childhood. I grew up in a two parent home with  hardworking parents who did what needed to be done to pay the bills and provide for the family - overall, not much different from what my wife and I are trying to do now.

However, looking back through the lens of time at my life growing up, I realized one thing that, while amazing to me, I am SURE was frustrating to my parents, and upon retrospect, I see that it was much more stressful than they ever let on... My DAD was home - alot!

From my perspective, my Dad - a carpenter/millwright by training - was almost always around. His busy hands were always building, making, fixing, repairing things. It was amazing that he seemed to always have an answer or a solution to all manner of things within those windows of need. Our home changed in so many ways from the simple one-story ranch home we moved into in 1970 after my Mom remarried and Bud became 'Dad'.

Walls got covered with custom woodwork, the cold concrete basement took form over the years eventually containing not only my bedroom, but a family room, laundry room, storage and workshop. Outside the house we built concrete decks, installed fences, planted gardens, trees and flowers. About the only things that were beyond my Dad's reach were the massive fireplace installed in our living room, and the in ground pool in the back.

As I grew, I better understood why my Dad was around so much. Being in the construction industry, his employment ebbed and flowed with the demands of the economy. This was reflected by the many types of jobs he had over the years. He was part of crews that build homes, office complexes, the first 'malls' in our area, sewage treatment plants, and schools. When the construction jobs weren't available, he drove trucks delivering trailer related products, he drove vans for a while,  taking elderly patients to doctor appointments, he even sold Amway products along the way.

For HIM, this broad spectrum of jobs was how he made money to meet the needs of his family. For ME it meant that 'Dad was HOME' Reflecting on this, it was always a bit baffling that so many of my friends fathers were not around, either do to their jobs, or due to the fact that their parents divorced and Dad was simply not part of the family anymore - something I cannot fathom.

In discussion with my Dad as I got older and became a husband, father and breadwinner (though the loaves have mostly been small!) I discovered that the interim time between jobs was the most frustrating for  him. Those were the times he worried, really worried. to the point of having stomach ulcers and picking up the bottle, and for him, it was an embarrassment and a poor reflection of him self as a man and a person, whenever he was not 'employed'. These late night revelations from father to son shared over a glass of good scotch, were eye-opening to me. Either he did a GREAT job of hiding these frustrations, or maybe it was the self-filtering nature of childhood that insulates kids from these emotions, I don't know. What I do know is that he was THERE.

Dad was THERE to be a Scout Master, he was THERE to attend sports events, he was THERE to help with school projects - particularly ones that required building something! - he was THERE to open report cards that came in the mail - BEFORE I could snatch them from the mailbox and hide them like so many of my friends seemed to do....and...finally he was THERE to spank my backside and discipline me when I would stray off the path. I realize now that he was THERE so much because of UNEMPLOYMENT.

So, as I paused in my garage - becoming studio - warming my hands with a hot mug of coffee, listening to my favorite music on CD (Dad always had a reel-to-reel tape recorder going - kids reading this may have  to look that one up in the Museum of Old Technology), I realized that, much like my Dad's many projects, and his nearly constant presence around the house, his busy hands was how he handled what for many people become situations that drive them down unhealthy paths, that many never seem to return from. I never used to understand the statement, 'Idle hands are the Devil's play thing.' as much as I do now. Looking back, I see that what BECAME transformative projects in our lives - from home construction projects, to homework assistance, was how he dealt with periods of unemployment.

As the landscape of MY life takes shape, and I create MY story, I realize that his presence in my life was crucial to the man that I have become, and for HIM it was a way to keep his sanity and to keep focused on the things that are really important; caring for your family, meeting their needs, doing what needs to be done to ensure their happiness as much as possible, and to keep going on, to keep struggling because despite the gaps created by unemployment made it possible for HIM to be the man, the DAD that was so crucial to us as kids. These periods allowed him to be creative and fulfilled through his craft, and to maintain a level of sanity during times in his life when things looked the darkest.

What does this mean to me? I look at my life, and while I have not been down the unemployment road as any times as he did, my struggles in the 'tween-times' has been manageable by drawing on the lessons I learned from the struggles that my Dad survived, and how I observed and absorbed his nature for 'filling the gaps' with 'meaningful work'. For me that involves taking care of our home, creating my studio space so I can create art, and I think it even fuels my love of culinary exploration! So, in the end, while none of us wants to be faced with the ugliness, fear and worry so often associated with being unemployed, we can HOPE that somewhere along the lines the kinds of people we are BETWEEN meaningful employment, reflects the kind of values we want our CHILDREN to live by.

While I make no claims to being the perfect 'unemployee' - if that makes sense - I hope that my presence can provide the same kinds of life-lessons to my kids and family, even thought they may not realize it for half-a-lifetime. On a personal note. I now better understand my propensity to 'DO' rather than 'GIVE UP' when faced with the challenge of being unemployed.

I hope, the challenge ends soon! I much prefer the challenge of work! My goal is to make my work come from my creative efforts, where my success will be measured by my efforts on my own behalf and not be dependent on the whims of a boss, a company, or even the 'economy' of the day.

Phase 32: The Scarlet Letter?..No...The Invisible Letter 'U'

Day 25 of being unemployed. I could say this is a unique experience, but I know that it is not. What I can say is that it is an experience I tire of. I've mentioned a variety of emotions, feelings and impressions in other posts about this experience before, so I won't restate them -- because like bad memories -- they are still too fresh and painful, and depressing.

This time around, though it is different in so many ways. I am certain that the past almost two years have been so messed up that I don't even realize HOW much it has affected me, how much it has affected my relationships to family and friends, and how much it has changed my life.

First getting tossed from what had become the best job ever, because I got comfortable and wasn't watching my back. Fine, I think I did well with that -- though it took ten months and a lot of anguish and struggle (and help from people who care about me) to get through that period. I found a job, it was awful. I quit and found a better job, and for the first time in a long time my life seemed to be on somewhat of a positive track. I was contributing to the family, I was learning a new trade, I was getting used to a new existence. I had even rekindled my love of art and seemed to be making new progress with those ventures.

Then, about a year a go, I start getting symptoms of the cancer that would eventually take my colon and rob me of more time, more anguish, more misery and throw me right back into the well of self-doubt that I had been in after I lost my job.

Diagnosis, surgery, very long recovery. Eventually my body healed enough that I was able to return to work. Thankfully my employer held my position while I healed and I was once again able to feel a bit better about contributing to my family and was again, seemingly back on the path. Work was going fine, my cancer treatments weren't too taxing - again, my employer was very accommodating of my medical needs, and things seemed to be getting better. It even seemed like things were getting a bit better at home.

God! Damnit! Why, oh, why, do I EVER try to convince myself that I finally have made it through some kind of barrier of pain and suffering and misery, that I somehow have gotten to a point where things will be o.k.? I have never asked or expected everything to be perfect. I'd settle for o.k. with minimal disasters, just the regular stuff, you know; a flat tire once in a while, a flooded basement from a broken washer, a dog that eats a box of Brillo pads and needs surgery....you know...regular things. But, no, along comes Monday, October 24th, 2011 and I get laid off from my job -- nothing to do with me or job performance or anything... "It's the economy, stupid." and zingo, back to starting over, again.

Once again, I find myself faced with this weird deja-vu-istic feelings, reliving experiences as I went through just over a year ago... I see the same people, who tell me the same things, "One door closes...", "This too will pass...", "Gosh, you have free time again...", "At least you get unemployment this time..."blah, blah, fucking blah... I DON'T CARE! I AM FUCKING SICK OF IT! I am fully aware of how self-centered and selfish it sounds, but I am simply tired of living through the worthless shit-pile that my life has become. Sorry to be so brash with my comments, but a big part of this blog is being able to say and process what is going on in my head. So, as some people have told me ...."Get out your violins...." and play the "Woe Is Scott's Life" requiem...." here it comes.

Getting back to the title of this entry, "The Scarlet Letter?..No...The Invisible Letter 'U' ", and taking the focus off of me for a moment, we all saw in the news the whole "99%" vs "1%" thing that is being touted as what we all need to be paying attention as a nation is these economic times...well I say, BULLSHIT!!! What we NEED to be paying attention to -- as far as I am concerned is the nearly "10%" - the ten percent -that is nearly 30 MILLION PEOPLE....who are out of work...do you realize how big a number that is??? No, probably not...because that number means NOTHING until YOU are ONE of those 30 MILLION. If you can grasp the gravity of this then you can partially understand what a I am trying to get to with this blog.

Back in the day of 'Scarlet Letter' the worse thing a woman could be accused of was Adultery, and she was forced to go through life with the infamousletter 'A' sewn to her dress. Forever the scourge of her community. Fast forward four centuries and, oddly enough adultery is not even a crime, and in some circles (politics? big business? the rich and famous?) it is almost expected. I maintain that the new scourge, the new stigma, the new sin is being unemployed....

I really don't see much difference from the treatment that those with the 'A' sewn to their clothing got back then, than those of us who (ususally) through no 'sin' of their own are forced, in effect, to brandish a glowing 'U' for UNEMPLOYED, UNACCEPTABLE, UNEDUCATED, hell, even UNCLEAN on their person. For me this is EXACTLY how I feel. I have to collect (this is still hard for me to say) UNEMPLOYMENT...my hard working father would be turning over in his grave...

Speaking now, for myself only, I feel invisible...Maybe this fading has been coming for a long time. Maybe even before I lost my first job. Maybe even before I got sick. But, since I have come home from being sick, maybe I have been forced to take a closer look around me and see that the fading continues. For the first few months I needed lots of help - and I got it from family and friends. I cannot stress how important my friends have been in what healing I have accomplished. Yet, as time has gone on as I got physically better, went back to work and then lost my job a few weeks ago, the invisibility increases.

Clearly there are many things I am dealing with, but one of the anchors in our lives --- at least from what I have been forcibly been faced with discovering is that EVERYTHING stems from having a JOB. Some people say that is shallow but making a living is the root of all --- it doesn't even matter WHAT I do anymore, but having SOMETHING that brings in money and makes me a contributor gives me some value.  So, I guess I struggle on. Invisibly until I can come home and announce that I have a 'job' and am  worthy, once again of SOMETHING. Until then, I will try to hide the embarrassing 'U' floating above my head and just try to deal with miserable invisibility that has has become my life.

Phase 31: Writers Block of Embarrassment

     Three-weeks, two days, six hours and a few odd minutes ago I was 'laid-off' a job I had been doing for just over a year. I was just settling in, getting comfortable with the flow of work, getting a handle on the new skills I had been taught. I had also recently switched divisions within the company - having studied hard and passed a state certification test for the position - and then, once again, with no indication there was an issue, I was given the 'sit-down', during which the whole nature of the economy was explained to me as being the reason that they had to 'let-me-go'....
     Why do they always say that like it is some kind of 'relief' or  'comfort' or 'reward'? What they SHOULD say is, "You know, you are doing a good job, but, we gotta kick you out on your ass! Here you go! Good luck! Hope you don't lose everything!"
     Or even better, "Say, you know what there are 40 people in our company, and GUESS WHAT! You WIN! You get to clean out your desk and go! We like you and every thing, but, you know out of all the people her, we thin YOU are the one that needs to go. Good luck.!"
     Or, this..."Come in, have a seat.... Can I get you a cup of coffee? Manager moves to the machine... you notice he gets a styrofoam cup from the drawer, NOT a nice ceramic one with the company logo on it. Pours you a cup --- not offering cream and sugar --- walks back BEHIND his desk, stretches in his leather chair, takes a deep breath and goes into a story about how he started the company...blah, blah, blah....and after 10 minutes of this crap you get the sense of where he is going....you will NOT be offered a raise and a promotion, he takes a pause and says, "Well, mmm, this is the  hardest part of my job. I gotta let you go." 
     So, now, like some scene out of an old west movie, another  pause he looks at you....watchng, waiting, for a reaction. Maybe he is thinking, "Will he throw the coffee at me? Does he have gun, will he draw?  Will he go all Hulk and flip over my desk? Will he get up and storm out?........Will he break down and cry like a little baby.....?"
      So, I sit there....staring into the awful cup of coffee in the styrofoam 'you're disposable' cup, pondering all but the gun thing....since I don't own one anyway, and I look him, dead in the. I take a deep breath, while trying to keep from either puking, or pissing my pants over suddenly losing my job, and I say, without a quiver in my voice, or a tear in my eye (proudly), "Thanks for the opportunity to work for you. Since this is a lay-off, how soon can I expect to be called back to work?" He looks at me like I just asked the dumbest question in the world, "Well, uh, mmm, er...I don't know, we will, uh, why don't you go see the HR guy they will help you get set up with unemployment." He stands, extends his hand, I give it a firm shake, and proceed to my desk, then to my van cleaning out all my stuff - watched the whole time and escorted by the HR guy --- people these days must really fear that ex-employees will either rip them off, or go 'postal'.
       Once outside in the parking lot, I stand next to the stack of 6 boxes, my brand new thermos full of hot coffee that was supposed to get me through the day, my neatly packed lunch box containing, a ham and swiss cheese sandwich - with dijon mustard - a bag of cheetos, butterscotch pudding, and a banana, I stand there, shocked and directionless, and all I can think of is .... 'fuck' what do I do now.
        Well, I won't go into all the details - I did that the LAST time I blogged, and these past few weeks have been pretty much the same as they were almost two years ago. No job, no savings to speak of, not idea what the hell I am going to do. A family that has no confidence any more in anything I attempt and a realization that I am faced once again - like so many other Americans - saying, "God, I'll do ANYTHING." This time around though things are a little less devastating than they were before... My resume needs only a couple of lines of updating, I have a bank of cover letters stored on the computer and I am at least eligible for unemployment compensation so I do have SOME income to count on sooner or later.
       During this venture into the land of unemployment I have tried to institute some kind of 'plan' in the hopes that this will yeild a job quicker than the 10 months it took me last time. So during the first week of this employment quest, I sat down at the computer and plotted out a daily plan....Get up, get dressed, see the kid and wife off to school, walk the dogs, eat some breakfast, sit at the computer and fill out on-line job aps, have some lunch, work in the studio, fill out some more job applications, pick the kid up, make dinner, spend time with family....wash, rinse, repeat.... Great idea. Great plan....it lasted about 3days. For reasons including a horrible chemo thereapy treatament (see my other blog, www.secondbattle.blogspot.com) the plan has not worked well. The following week I was exhausted. I think a combination of chemo, and mental drain from the anguish, embarrassment and uncertainty surrounding having no job, I could literally get almost nothing done.
        Nothing seemed worth it. I'd get up, do the morning thing of seeing everone off, talk about my plan for the day, then sit in the chair. The dog would crawl up into my lap and the next thing I know it was 11:30 a.m. the morning wasted. So, what. I'd let the dogs out, get some lunch and coffee, crawl back into the chair where either the dog would return to his sleeping spot, or the stupid cat would take over. I'd watch an episode of house or a movie, then fall back asleep, and then would wake up in time to get the kid from school, come home and tend to dinner.....wash rinse repeat. In essence I think I feel like I have given up. I continue to apply for jobs on the internet, hoping that SOMEONE will call me for an interview, but I hold out little hope for that, in this economy.
        What really gets me this time around is when I spend time analyzing myself as a potential 'employee', and the list of valuable assets given where we live and try to work is pretty damn, short. WARNING THIS NEXT SESSION IS RIDDLED WITH SELF-PITTY AND REGRET: I do not have a 'profession'. I never really have. When I entered the world of work as a college graduate I was in a field that was on the downswing even then - photojournalism. Sure, I worked in that field for a while, but eventually the business has changed so much that even all the experience I had amassed - nearly 15 years is fairly worthless - especially since the only real newspaper in town offering full time jobs is a UNION paper and without 5 years experience at a union paper, you don't even get an interview - trust me I know. Technology has also sapped my chances to return to photography as a career. Almost all new cameras make it fairly easy for anyone to capture the news and events of the day, and with the shrinking of physical newspapers, and explosion of digital media - the pay is worse than minimum wage and no one hires full time staffers any more anyhow.
       So that leads to my second career - teaching. My main stumbling block here is the fact that I have no 'state-teaching-license' for public schools. In my areas of training at the time, Phys-Ed and Computer Technology, none were required. I had been on a track to get a Masters in Education, but that got side tracked by a host of life issues at the time I was trying to finish my degree; deaths in the family, births in the family, home purchase, job changes. SO, I found myself plodding along on past experience and a thin layer of qualifications in Technology Education that allowed me to work in that field for another 10 years or so.
      As I should have guessed along the way, my shortcomings would catch up with me in this day of paper-trails and certifications. Everyone wants employees with lots of experience and lots of training and papertrails of proof that one can do what it says on ones resume. So, I find myself now with a three page resume covering almost 30 years, in 3 or 4 fields of employment, yet at 49, find it almost impossible to even get a job interview. Currently I seem to be either too old, too qualified or too young and not qualified enough for upper management/corporate positions that 'men-of-my-age' should be moving into.
      There is almost some humor that comes out of this. I seem to now be returning to a near fantasy world where I have almost convinced myself that I am a good enough artist and clever enough marketeer and that my artwork is valued enough on the market that I can some how make a LIVING as a working artist. SO I live this schizophrenic existence where one part of my mind is trying to convince the other that it is possible to make living as an artist...and that if I keep saying it over and over like some kind of mantra that it will happen. And the other part of me is laughing it's realistic ass off just knowing that I had better find a 'regular' job - and soon - or I will find myself out on my ass, divorced and standing in line with the guys down at the Cherry Street mission, waiting for free breakfast and lunch with all the other losers who cannot find work. Well, that is where my head is at today. Maybe tomorrow will be different, maybe tomorrow I will bet back on the ball and push a bit harder to get a job, so I can be a valuable money earning provider for the income of my household. At least at that point there will be less for people to be upset about around here.

Phase 30: "Hey, Scott. Can I see you in my office for a minute?"

NOTE: I had hoped to put to and to the chapter of my life called the 'unemployment period", I really had. I you have read previous chapters of this story, then you will be familiar wit the mental, spiritual and psychological ride that it was as I struggled to find work. Ten months went by, in agony, suffering and worry, then I found a job, there was brief period, if not of joy, but of relief, that we were once again a two income trying to make ends meet like the rest of America.

This new job was peripherally similar to my old job, and once the training was through and I had reached the stage where I could be a 'Field-Agent' things went fairly well. Then as often happens after the glow and disintegration of the training wheels come of, the ugly realities of the job stand up and suddenly your realize that for a host of reasons, the job is not for you. So for the first time in my working career, 'I' was the one who was quitting ---- I am not good at quitting, it does not settle well with me. Howeve, I saw that the nature of the job I had, would have probably killed me some time in middle of the winter! I foresaw a home owner finding me frozen solid to their satelite tower, or find my froze crushed legs poking out from under a trailer or crawlspace  -- good honest work -- for someone 20 years older than me, and not married, and with no kids...and oh, seemingly it was an unwritten rule that you had be a pack a day smoker.... So, not for me. 

As I was moaning (go figure) about my plight and fearing slogging through snow with tools and a 30' ladder, my wife suggested that I apply at a company near her office that seemed to always have a 'We're Hiring Technicians' sign out. So, one Friday when I finished rarely early from my current job, I filled in and application and thought I'd never hear from them -after all until I got the Dish job I had applied to over 200 firms in 10 months. Alas, the following Monday, I got a call for an interview on Wednsday and was offered the job on Wednesday --- "Holly, Toledo! Batman!" I thought, that was too easy! I should have done that earlier. With great excitement at the prospect of regular 40 hour weeks, no weekeneds, no expected overtime, close proximity from my wifes work, and a descent but not great salary (better than the nothing I had coming in at that time*). I thought I was set'

Free of the finger-pain and strange management of the Dish Poeple (movie possibility), and I was thinking I had finally found a job that would last at LEAST as long a my job at Toledo School For The Arts, and would offer the chance for me to help get my family out of the holes we had been digging while I was not working (remember too that my previous employer the first time around screwed me out of ANY unemployment). But, ahhhh Grasshopper, the universe was not done lobbing wads of monkey crap at me..

There is a quote from the Movie "Balls of Fury" that makes me think of the whole cycle of jobs an unemployment.... and it makes me laugh in spite of my situation.

"Ping Pong [job hunting]... is not the macarena. It takes patience. She [the job market] is like a fine, well-aged prostitute... it takes years to learn her tricks. 

"She is cruel, laughs at you when you are naked [depressed, dejected] , but you keep coming back for more, and more! Why? [because we NEED jobs] Because she is the only prostitute I can afford. [we often have to take what we can get, not what we like].


Alright, then where does this newest chapter start.


DATELINE: FALL 2010 - I am working. Things are well, I am comfortable in my new job working in the security/and fire protection industry. Over the first few months of the fall I rode along with several techs, getting trained in all elements of the job. In man, many ways this was as awesome new challenge. Through this job I was able to go places most of Toledo gets to see.. .Views of the city from atop the scrubbers at BP, seeing the sun rise and set from the top of 4 Seagate. watching storms roll in and through from the top of Hotels etc. Even the 'dusty-days' which were spent checking units on dusty duct detectors, above ceilings and in steel processing plants. Always, no matter what the job, I knew the day would almost always end around 5 P.M. and the wife and I could ride home, and end the day with an evening with the kid. By December, the weather was freezing, some outdoor jobs were uncomfortable, but we were always busy. I was making money again, feeling good about my self, less suicidal... I know it sounds dumb but I LOVE it when the snow arrives, it allow me to forget much of the 'grownup-stuff' and be a kid again...even for a moment or two. The Holidays passed, the winter got colder and it was about that time that I noticed changes in my body - to make it short here (you can see my other blog @ www.secondbattle.blogspot.com) if you want to follow that sag) I had developed colon cancer.


DATELINE JANUARY 20211 - an excerpt from my graphic novel ['Chemo-Radiation Man'] -- kinds of puts in perspective where my head was at the time;


"Once inside the room, the doctor spoke. "Reg, please have a seat."
After they had both settled, Reg in the patient chair. Warfel on the squeaky exam stool. The doctor opened the chart.
Silently he flipped several pages.
Reg, could tell this man never played poker, he could read his face before he spoke.
"The tests show conclusively that you have colon cancer. Stage II." the doctor, looked at Reg, did what he was trained to do - wait for a moment for the patient to absorb the news. He noticed Reg struggling to breathe normally.
"What?...What?... You said.... Cancer?" Reg stood, he wanted to pace, to catch his breath, to regain his composure, but there was simply no space for it in the small exam room.
The doctor went on, "Yes. Stage II colon cancer. You will need surgery, chemotherapy and radiation." more pages flipped, the doctor again trying to let the news sink in.
"We should schedule surgery and put together a plan....." the doctor couldn't finish his sentence because he saw Reg, slump against the wall and slide down to the floor, having trouble breathing.
The last thing Reg heard was, "Chemotherapy and Radiation" then his world went dark, he felt himself trying to hold himself up, but his legs gave out, then darkness.

The charcter Reg, is (Mostly based on my experiences) finds it a growing difficult balancing his hob, his life and his health.


Returning to my current situation, back in March 'I' was the one asking to "see my boss in HIS office" - kind of a turn around. 
It was time to tell them that, despite having ben there only 5 months I was going to require 3 - 4 months off of work to deal with surgery, recovery and treatment.  To be perfectly honest, I was fully expecting them to say, "Well, then, Mr. Lightfoot. Thanks for your services, turn in you uniform, id's tools, and badge. We hope things go well and good by...." Well, I could not have been more surprised and relieved (especially in this economy) when he said, "Wow, that will be a tough one. We want you to get healthy so you can go back to works soon." I was now confused -- not at all what I expected. Then, he followed up with, "Well, [tap-tap on his keyboard - I was STILL thinking he was looking at ways to get rid of me!] I see hear, you only have 1 vacation day built up, and unfortunately we cannot PAY you while you are off, but your JOB will be here when you can return to work. Good luck and keep us posted on your conditioned.
I walked out of this bosses office with a deferent type of confusion than when I walked out the doors to TSA. I was relived that I had a place to come back to when I was ready.


* NOTE: As an editorial note...and a critical point to those who may not have read my other posts, I MUST at this point mention the overly generous and outstanding support that my family and I received both during my 10 months of job hunting, then followed by another 6 months of support while I had surgery, radiation and now chemo. It is in no small measure that due to the continual love support (and occassional -ass kicking) that I am even here writing this, when it would have been so easy to go 'Kurt Cobain' on myself, or Jim Morrison (glad I can't afford whiskey and pills). I just had to remind people that whether your situation is losing a job, or dealing with a major illness, or losing a spouse or a business, it IS fucking difficult to stand back up, but as corny as it sounds if you let those closest to you know what is going on, and (here is the kicker) YOU must be WILLING to LET GO and LET THEM HELP YOU !!! For me this has always been the hardest part. I am learning.


DATELINE: SPRING 2011 - March 4th was the day the Surgeons in Cleveland Clinic opened me up, pluck out my cancerous colon, rectum...and uhhh anus, and sealed up the old 'Poop-Chute', 'Fart-Factory', 'Prairie Dog-hole',etc, etc,...TRUST ME I have heard them all by now. My stay in Cleveland last about 10 days more than I expected (but just as long as the doctors told me it was. ) I will sum up my time in Cleveland by saying it is not something i want to do again, and I was glad I was home again.
    Once I got home and began recovery I ventured back into my office, just a quick hello (with my stupid wound-vac gurrgling like some kind of demented coffee pot or ephasemic wheasle on my hip) I told them I would be reqady to go soon... You don't know how reassuring it was to hear the words, "Your job is here. Just bring in a doctors clearance form and you can get back to wokr." I tried skipping out the door like the dude in the 'Saftey Dance' (google them if you're under 30) -- that was a mistake...many, many parts of my abdominal anatomy screamed at me, 'Jeezus you IDIOT!!! You want to go back to the hospital?'


DATELINE: MAY 2011 - April and May were spent doing three things, Radiation treatments (2 x per day), would vac, dressing and undressing, walking the neighborhood getting my strength back and  most importantly for my JOB I was studying the 300 page manual on Fire Alarm Systems so I could get certified when I went back to work. I WAS NOT about to lose THIS job because I was not properly certified!!!! So, by the end of the month I had rid myself of the would vac (I was CERTAIN it would be permanent), I had passed my TEST!!!!! YEAH!!! ON the FIRST TRY - SO THERE - 'She-who-shall-not-be-named'!!!!! Ad I returned to work as part of the Fire Testing Division and off I went into the heat of the summer, learning another aspect of our company's business.
         The summer went by, swimming in sweat - not a pool - spraying fake smoke, canned air, pushing reset buttons and setting off alarms...all in all, a lot of walking and considerable paperwork but not too bad -- compared other hobs I have had - like Digital Dish!


DATELINE: FALL 2011 - With fall, comes school, companies scaling back production, or if they are lucky cranking things up for the holiday sales season, and I have discovered that our business is almost as seasonal as farming. Our testing jobs depend on facility schedules; we can test schools (some that aren't doing massive refits) we can test factories and warehouses (same things apply), and a host of other clients during the summer. Then once people turn their calendars to August, the axe seems to fall on testing projects. I found my self with one, two or even no jobs to do -- mowing the grass, spraying weed killer, trimming shrubs. I appreciated the companty trying to get me my 40 ours, but that kind of work is for the teen agers who don't know much a bout 'man-work' NOT for us 'older guys' with arthritis in the knees and undergoing cancer treatment. 
      After about a month of this I noticed that my training partner had mostly full days all the time (seniority & his Michigan Testing license help him out, I guess) and I even overheard our boss telling our scheduler, "You gotta keep Wilbur's (not his real name) schedule full first before Lightfoots." He has been there for like 12 years, so I get that. So, I started keeping an eye on the master schedule (we schedule jobs 3-4 week in advance) and noticed HUGE gaps on MY calendar for late October and early November....Plus I heard rumors that guys in our other divisions were being sent home early too - which made me feel a bit better, because I was wondering if all my Med bills had the Insurance company pushing them to get rid of me (????). 


DATELINE: OCTOBER 24th 2011 - It was a sunny Monday morning, the smell of the overnight rain and the gas fumes of early morning works going to work or to home. We all left the house, dropped Malcom at school then Cheryl did the cross town triffic drive, and dropped me off as usual.
    I go into the office, make coffee...being the first one there I get to make the coffee the way it is SUPPOSED to be made. I hangup my coat check my calender--- EXCITING!!!! I have 4 jobs Today, Two on Tuesday, and Three on Wednesday and One on Thursday.. I have ChemoDay on Friday....so I am thinking.... "Thank GOD I have real, acutal WORK this week!!! "Makin' money boyeeeee!" SO, I go out and get my job files for the day, check them over make sure I know what I need to do for the day and as I am ready to go, I have my files, lunchbox, tool kit, company hat and coat... keys...phone...Ready to rock and roll for the day, when my boss --- from across the room no less, says,"Lightfoot, Can I see you in my office." -- I hear that from ANYONE and I get the same pee-fear thaqt I did when I was little and was going to get helled. So, go to my desk deposit all my stuff and return to his office, I am invited to sit down - not offered coffee...maybe this is just a quick thing about a cllent or something? - And then come the "SIGH", followed by the "EXECUTIVE-LEAN-BACK" in the leather chair, followed by the "PAUSE" where he looks you in the eye, like a Black Haired Sauruman. He delivers the news...."Scott, this is the hardest part of my job. The part I hate the most." Pause for drama...and for me to further wet my pants. "We simly don't have enough business to support two technicians in our Fire Testing Department...." Pause while I think he expects to see tears rolling down my face (trust me they are there...but NOT for him). 
     So in the ensuing 10 minutes or so, we discuss things: No, they are not upsets with my performance, infact they thing I am doing a GREAT job, No, they cannot shift me back to the commercial division because they already have enough people, the same for the residential division....just simply not enough work to keep me around. I ask a bout a possible pay cut, NO. I ask about going part time, NO...So, no luck, other than a firm hand shake and the knowledge that when business does pick up (2 days? 2 weeks.? 2 years?) they do have qood rep for hiring back past employes...So who knows.
     There it is, unemployed again. It took me about an hour to clear my van and desk area of my tools and clohtes and knick-nacks from my desk - they were just getting the dustring of employment longevity around them too - I packed up my stuff in Cheryl's car, tried to text her with the news...she didn't answer so I sat there in the parking lot, crying like a baby, wondering, once again, how long it will take me to find my next job. 
      Two pieces of advice to all of you STILL working.... 1) Keep your resume updated, keep your contacts fresh and 2) EXPECT that you will be invited to "Come in to the office..." for the 'chat'  BE PREPARED...

Phase 29: "A day that will live in infamy..." (for me)

You would think that 'time-heals-all', 'this-too-shall-pass' and 'water-under-the-bridge' are all things that would easily describe the year that has passed since I was fired from my position as a Technology Director. You would think.

In some ways it has, in all too many it hasn't. Reflecting on the past year has taught me many things - about myself as an employee, as a member of a family, as a member of a community of friends and as an individual. Some things have been very painful, some very liberating, some reassuring and some daunting.

I would like to be able to tell a phenomenal Hollywood-esque story of a rise from the ashes to a new position from which I could look back and say, 'Ah, well... in the end it hasn't been THAT bad.' But do do that would be to create a work of fiction - maybe a good one, but I have striven to keep this blog as 'real' as possible. Instead this past year would be more like a Lifetime-esque story of a beautiful relationship gone horribly wrong, of a union of spirits that were ripped apart by powers that they could not control - that would be more like it.

PROLOGUE: A man, having fallen out of a relationship, wanders the mean streets seeking his next great love. He struggles, anguishes and hopes for a new star to shine. Eventually he finds one, after seemingly pushed to the edge of despair. Finally, after early giving up he meets up with a new, love that makes him forget the former one.

ACT 1: Starstruck
As in any new relationship, that heady feeling of finding the perfect fit fills every waking moment, and every sleeping dream. New experiences every day. New adventures. New ways in which to explore the growing love between them. The act ends with a hand-holding walk into a seemingly brilliant sunset, with hearts swirling above their heads.

ACT 2: Growing Together
O.K. with the new love growing between them the employee and the job grow, expanding, discovering and at times struggling with each other. Always though the love between the worker and the work keeps overcoming any anxiety between them... There is nothing that seems insurmountable. Like any relationship the love ebbs and flows, yet in the end, all seems well. The act ends with the couple comfortably together, recognized by friends and colleagues as a 'good-fit'.

ACT 3: Contentment Breeds Impending Doom
The relationship has progressed to a level where both are comfortable in the day to day activities that define them in their new roles. All seems well. The employee knows his role, the employer seemingly lets the employee continue to grow. With repetition comes strength, but also with repetition comes encroaching blindness. The vigilance an employee needs to keep sharp at his job begins to dull as things seem to be cruising along with few issues. However, like a romantic relationship,  if attention is not paid to grow and nurture it, the potential for disaster begins to arise. Here is where I went wrong. I forgot to stay sharp. I forgot to keep my skills fresh. I forgot to watch for those who would seek to push a wedge between employee and job. I neglected to notice the oncoming storm. Whether or not I could have avoided it is not clear, but I could have been much better prepared for the onslaught that was to come.

ACT 4: The Axe Falls
One day, the story goes, I go to work, everything seems fine. The 'love' and the 'relationship' seemingly intact, cruising along nicely. There seems to be nothing that could separate me from my love. Then, like some perverted soap-opera, I walk into a situation where, despite it all, I get the proverbial 'kick-in-the-the-crotch' (see the very first post in this blog).

EPILOGUE: Thus ends the first part of the story. How I got to the  year that was and how I have been trying to move along. But, in the end, as silly as it sounds, the rending apart of my relationship with my previous job is still a very painful wound. I still long for the connection. I still hold on to every small indication that somehow the relationship can be rekindled. Despite the pain of the break-up, despite the attempts at growth and healing, I still feel that, given the proverbial 'second-chance' I could fix what was wrong and revive the relationship that I was forced out of. So, who knows. Maybe it will take another year, more reflection and better efforts to get another chance. Then too, like many real relationships, I am pining for things that can never be, and I should really just move on... Stay tuned.

Phase 28: Working For The Weekend

Getting paid to do what you love. Isn't this what we all hope to be doing? For those of us who have been in the world of work, think back to the days when all the doors seemed open before you and the choices of what to do with your life seemed limitless.

Now crank the projector of time a bit, slowly now, not too fast. Take a few moments and reflect. What did you want to be? An Astronaut, a Doctor, a Race Car Drive, a Teacher, a Chef, a Carpenter, heaven forbid, a Rock Guitarist, a Painter, a Photographer, an Actor, a Dancer.

I believe that until you have experienced the sudden loss of a job, for whatever the reason, and you are left with huge spans of time in which to ponder these questions, you never really do, and in my case that has been an experience that has left me at times agonizing over past mistakes and choices, and at other times the experience has allowed me to re-awaken my creative energies and see new possibilities - even in the face of being middle age - possibilities that seem unfettered by the fact that I am almost fifty, possibilities that show me there is still much life to be lived, and that the personal pursuit of happiness will be tied to my ability to shape my life in such a way that my 'job' will open the doors to the kind of 'work' that I really want to be doing.

So, here I am, living in the work-world again, and more than ever I wake on Monday, already looking ahead to the weekend. Actually, to the next evening I can come home and get out to my studio, to pursue my artistic work. No, don't get me wrong. I really like this new job. It offers a nice combination of pay and daily challenges, more importantly it leave open the time I need to develop my art, to market my self and to work towards the time when I can support myself doing what I WANT to do instead of doing what I HAVE to do.

Things are happening. The energy is moving me in the direction I need to go. I am under no delusion that I will get there over night, but for the past 20 years I have in one regard wasted so much time in self-doubt, living in a world of compromise that has at many times pushed me nearly so far from what I want to do that it was nearly forgotten, nearly mothballed in my psyche, but yet in many ways has always been there, under the surface, waiting for me to come to my psychological senses and stand up, shake off  the shackles of indecision and move ahead.

As I have never intended to be rich or famous, but realize that it IS wholly possible for me to make a living, doing the creative things I want to do and spend what ever time is left to me pursuing things I love  rather than just pursuing a paycheck for the sake of a paycheck. No longer do I feel that I will spend the rest of my 'work-life' toiling just to make ends meet, doing work I don't enjoy making money for someone else.

Phase 27: "Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's off to work I go!"

So, a new day and a new job dawns a few hours from now. Recently I have been thinking more and more about work. The whys, the wherefores, the meaning, the reasons we all do what we do and have begun to redraw the picture in my head.

Work - it is defined by each person. Each of us must decide how to balance our work lives, our family lives and out social lives so that we make ongoing strides to get to where we all want to be. My goals and plan is different than anyone else's yet, we share some over arching similarities.

Work will make up about a third of our time on this earth and as prepare to enter my 4th decade of work, I look at things a bit differently with each passing year.

Work is SUPPOSED to help you reach the goals you have set. Work is supposed to provide for the needs of your family. Work is supposed to provide for the expenses of your golden years.  That is the way it is supposed to be.

So, what are the answers? If I HAVE to work to the end, how can I change what and how I do it so that I can get the enjoyment out of work that I want? I think I need to continually redefine 'work' and to adjust my efforts to get to the point where I end up doing the kind of 'work' that has been newly defined.
Doing some research on the web, I found a good quote about work that I will use to pick apart a new plan...

A man at work, making something which he feels will exist because he is working at it and wills it, is exercising the energies of his mind and soul as well as of his body. 




This passage pretty much hits the nail on the head. Work, for some lucky people IS just this - the feeling that what you do matters beyond the simple doing, beyond (or besides) the pay check that comes in for the doing. In fact, this kind of work would be done even if it was being done for free. And to summarize, if you are happy in what you do, you will do it better, and that results in less stress about 'work' and a hopefully healthy life. But, I maintain, that for the majority of people, this is patently NOT what 'work' means in our real lives. For most (and myself included) work has simply become away to make money to pay bills. There is little real enjoyment, there are three things that we look forward to; the end of the day, the end of the week and the paycheck. If we can somehow force ourselves to get up and repeat the process every day, we have a good chance of meeting our needs.


Memory and imagination help him as he works. 


Here is where things get sticky, and here maybe a year or so ago is where I got both lazy, complacent and forgetful of what is expected, and more importantly respected by the employer. I had been at my previous position for nearly five years, and had become comfortable. Comfortable in my head thinking that I knew enough about my job, and was secure enough in my position in my company that I could expand my involvement in the company to encompass areas outside my 'job-description'. Unfortunately, my supervisor felt this was not the case. So, last winter, through a combination of lack of foresight of the changing demands of my job, and loss of perspective in the belief that I could become more than my job required, I was fired, in part for just what this quote says... having an imagination beyond my job. In fact I WAS enjoying immensely the expanding opportunities for creativity within my job, which, unbeknownst to me was perceived as 'lack-of-focus' on my 'job' and so out the door I went. Lesson learned, manage your expectations, keep an eye out for those around you who want to see you fail, work to improve your skills and never quit looking for the next opportunity.


Not only his own thoughts, but the thoughts of the men of past ages guide his hands; and, as part of the human race, he creates. 


Now that I have moved from one job to the next, what kind of perspective do these last few months give me? How can I put this in some kind of context that makes sense? I am now 48. I have a kid in college. I have been married for 21 years. I have another kid working his way way towards being a teen-ager. I have a handful of aging guy medical issues. I have watched elderly relatives pass away - and friends too. I have been through the emotional wringer over employment and finances. I have begun to look ahead and fear for many aspects of my future (whether realistic or not), so how can I ground myself through this within the context of work?
My father and grandfather were both carpenters - men who worked with their hands - men who knew the same kinds of struggles, men who raised kids and grandkids. Both these men set examples for me to follow, some good, and possibly some not so good, but overall they always did the best they could for their families. They provided not only the essentials, but more importantly the intangibles that you cannot quantify.
They were also creative men - they worked with wood, leather, beads, feathers and paint, and the pride that they took in their daily work was also present in their artistic efforts, even though they would not have considered themselves 'artists' - they were certainly not recognized as such. But through them, I learned much. By watching them I saw and learned the importance of giving full effort, of completing a project from beginning to end. Maybe this is also part of the reason that was so hard for me to give up and just quit when things got ugly this past winter and spring.
As I have noted in past posts, moving on has not been easy, in fact it has been horribly humiliating and difficult at times, but I struggle on. The experience has also changed the way I look at things. The experience has changed the way I look at my future; from work, to my art work, to my health to my family, all things that we go through in life and only casually glance at, at lest I was guilty of this, casually taking advantage of each day, never really connecting with the important elements, never really grasping the things that slip by each day.
I have learned that as corny as it is, so many things matter more than work, especially when the work you do offers little beyond a paycheck.
I have learned that many things matter more than I used to believe they did:
-the simple fact that I have a wife that has stuck with me through thick and thin
-two healthy good kids that offered us no more than the typical concerns as they grew up
-I really, really, REALLY need a handful of friends that will offer their honest opinion and a sympathetic ear -- both when we need them.
-it is just as important to take an afternoon walk as it is to cash a paycheck
-I need my dogs. They listen and love unconditionally when no one else seems to care.
-a hot cup of coffee with a good friend can keep me grounded
-the creation of art is much more important than I ever realized, for a whole host of reasons.
-I do not want to live my life in the pursuit of money for moneys sake -- especially if all the money is doing is allowing me to get by and not to get ahead, not even a little.


If we work thus we shall be men, and our days will be happy and eventful.
William Morris