Three-weeks, two days, six hours and a few odd minutes ago I was 'laid-off' a job I had been doing for just over a year. I was just settling in, getting comfortable with the flow of work, getting a handle on the new skills I had been taught. I had also recently switched divisions within the company - having studied hard and passed a state certification test for the position - and then, once again, with no indication there was an issue, I was given the 'sit-down', during which the whole nature of the economy was explained to me as being the reason that they had to 'let-me-go'....
Why do they always say that like it is some kind of 'relief' or 'comfort' or 'reward'? What they SHOULD say is, "You know, you are doing a good job, but, we gotta kick you out on your ass! Here you go! Good luck! Hope you don't lose everything!"
Or even better, "Say, you know what there are 40 people in our company, and GUESS WHAT! You WIN! You get to clean out your desk and go! We like you and every thing, but, you know out of all the people her, we thin YOU are the one that needs to go. Good luck.!"
Or, this..."Come in, have a seat.... Can I get you a cup of coffee? Manager moves to the machine... you notice he gets a styrofoam cup from the drawer, NOT a nice ceramic one with the company logo on it. Pours you a cup --- not offering cream and sugar --- walks back BEHIND his desk, stretches in his leather chair, takes a deep breath and goes into a story about how he started the company...blah, blah, blah....and after 10 minutes of this crap you get the sense of where he is going....you will NOT be offered a raise and a promotion, he takes a pause and says, "Well, mmm, this is the hardest part of my job. I gotta let you go."
So, now, like some scene out of an old west movie, another pause he looks at you....watchng, waiting, for a reaction. Maybe he is thinking, "Will he throw the coffee at me? Does he have gun, will he draw? Will he go all Hulk and flip over my desk? Will he get up and storm out?........Will he break down and cry like a little baby.....?"
So, I sit there....staring into the awful cup of coffee in the styrofoam 'you're disposable' cup, pondering all but the gun thing....since I don't own one anyway, and I look him, dead in the. I take a deep breath, while trying to keep from either puking, or pissing my pants over suddenly losing my job, and I say, without a quiver in my voice, or a tear in my eye (proudly), "Thanks for the opportunity to work for you. Since this is a lay-off, how soon can I expect to be called back to work?" He looks at me like I just asked the dumbest question in the world, "Well, uh, mmm, er...I don't know, we will, uh, why don't you go see the HR guy they will help you get set up with unemployment." He stands, extends his hand, I give it a firm shake, and proceed to my desk, then to my van cleaning out all my stuff - watched the whole time and escorted by the HR guy --- people these days must really fear that ex-employees will either rip them off, or go 'postal'.
Once outside in the parking lot, I stand next to the stack of 6 boxes, my brand new thermos full of hot coffee that was supposed to get me through the day, my neatly packed lunch box containing, a ham and swiss cheese sandwich - with dijon mustard - a bag of cheetos, butterscotch pudding, and a banana, I stand there, shocked and directionless, and all I can think of is .... 'fuck' what do I do now.
Well, I won't go into all the details - I did that the LAST time I blogged, and these past few weeks have been pretty much the same as they were almost two years ago. No job, no savings to speak of, not idea what the hell I am going to do. A family that has no confidence any more in anything I attempt and a realization that I am faced once again - like so many other Americans - saying, "God, I'll do ANYTHING." This time around though things are a little less devastating than they were before... My resume needs only a couple of lines of updating, I have a bank of cover letters stored on the computer and I am at least eligible for unemployment compensation so I do have SOME income to count on sooner or later.
During this venture into the land of unemployment I have tried to institute some kind of 'plan' in the hopes that this will yeild a job quicker than the 10 months it took me last time. So during the first week of this employment quest, I sat down at the computer and plotted out a daily plan....Get up, get dressed, see the kid and wife off to school, walk the dogs, eat some breakfast, sit at the computer and fill out on-line job aps, have some lunch, work in the studio, fill out some more job applications, pick the kid up, make dinner, spend time with family....wash, rinse, repeat.... Great idea. Great plan....it lasted about 3days. For reasons including a horrible chemo thereapy treatament (see my other blog, www.secondbattle.blogspot.com) the plan has not worked well. The following week I was exhausted. I think a combination of chemo, and mental drain from the anguish, embarrassment and uncertainty surrounding having no job, I could literally get almost nothing done.
Nothing seemed worth it. I'd get up, do the morning thing of seeing everone off, talk about my plan for the day, then sit in the chair. The dog would crawl up into my lap and the next thing I know it was 11:30 a.m. the morning wasted. So, what. I'd let the dogs out, get some lunch and coffee, crawl back into the chair where either the dog would return to his sleeping spot, or the stupid cat would take over. I'd watch an episode of house or a movie, then fall back asleep, and then would wake up in time to get the kid from school, come home and tend to dinner.....wash rinse repeat. In essence I think I feel like I have given up. I continue to apply for jobs on the internet, hoping that SOMEONE will call me for an interview, but I hold out little hope for that, in this economy.
What really gets me this time around is when I spend time analyzing myself as a potential 'employee', and the list of valuable assets given where we live and try to work is pretty damn, short. WARNING THIS NEXT SESSION IS RIDDLED WITH SELF-PITTY AND REGRET: I do not have a 'profession'. I never really have. When I entered the world of work as a college graduate I was in a field that was on the downswing even then - photojournalism. Sure, I worked in that field for a while, but eventually the business has changed so much that even all the experience I had amassed - nearly 15 years is fairly worthless - especially since the only real newspaper in town offering full time jobs is a UNION paper and without 5 years experience at a union paper, you don't even get an interview - trust me I know. Technology has also sapped my chances to return to photography as a career. Almost all new cameras make it fairly easy for anyone to capture the news and events of the day, and with the shrinking of physical newspapers, and explosion of digital media - the pay is worse than minimum wage and no one hires full time staffers any more anyhow.
So that leads to my second career - teaching. My main stumbling block here is the fact that I have no 'state-teaching-license' for public schools. In my areas of training at the time, Phys-Ed and Computer Technology, none were required. I had been on a track to get a Masters in Education, but that got side tracked by a host of life issues at the time I was trying to finish my degree; deaths in the family, births in the family, home purchase, job changes. SO, I found myself plodding along on past experience and a thin layer of qualifications in Technology Education that allowed me to work in that field for another 10 years or so.
As I should have guessed along the way, my shortcomings would catch up with me in this day of paper-trails and certifications. Everyone wants employees with lots of experience and lots of training and papertrails of proof that one can do what it says on ones resume. So, I find myself now with a three page resume covering almost 30 years, in 3 or 4 fields of employment, yet at 49, find it almost impossible to even get a job interview. Currently I seem to be either too old, too qualified or too young and not qualified enough for upper management/corporate positions that 'men-of-my-age' should be moving into.
There is almost some humor that comes out of this. I seem to now be returning to a near fantasy world where I have almost convinced myself that I am a good enough artist and clever enough marketeer and that my artwork is valued enough on the market that I can some how make a LIVING as a working artist. SO I live this schizophrenic existence where one part of my mind is trying to convince the other that it is possible to make living as an artist...and that if I keep saying it over and over like some kind of mantra that it will happen. And the other part of me is laughing it's realistic ass off just knowing that I had better find a 'regular' job - and soon - or I will find myself out on my ass, divorced and standing in line with the guys down at the Cherry Street mission, waiting for free breakfast and lunch with all the other losers who cannot find work. Well, that is where my head is at today. Maybe tomorrow will be different, maybe tomorrow I will bet back on the ball and push a bit harder to get a job, so I can be a valuable money earning provider for the income of my household. At least at that point there will be less for people to be upset about around here.
Why do they always say that like it is some kind of 'relief' or 'comfort' or 'reward'? What they SHOULD say is, "You know, you are doing a good job, but, we gotta kick you out on your ass! Here you go! Good luck! Hope you don't lose everything!"
Or even better, "Say, you know what there are 40 people in our company, and GUESS WHAT! You WIN! You get to clean out your desk and go! We like you and every thing, but, you know out of all the people her, we thin YOU are the one that needs to go. Good luck.!"
Or, this..."Come in, have a seat.... Can I get you a cup of coffee? Manager moves to the machine... you notice he gets a styrofoam cup from the drawer, NOT a nice ceramic one with the company logo on it. Pours you a cup --- not offering cream and sugar --- walks back BEHIND his desk, stretches in his leather chair, takes a deep breath and goes into a story about how he started the company...blah, blah, blah....and after 10 minutes of this crap you get the sense of where he is going....you will NOT be offered a raise and a promotion, he takes a pause and says, "Well, mmm, this is the hardest part of my job. I gotta let you go."
So, now, like some scene out of an old west movie, another pause
So, I sit there....staring into the awful cup of coffee in the styrofoam 'you're disposable' cup, pondering all but the gun thing....since I don't own one anyway, and I look him, dead in the. I take a deep breath, while trying to keep from either puking, or pissing my pants over suddenly losing my job, and I say, without a quiver in my voice, or a tear in my eye (proudly), "Thanks for the opportunity to work for you. Since this is a lay-off, how soon can I expect to be called back to work?" He looks at me like I just asked the dumbest question in the world, "Well, uh, mmm, er...I don't know, we will, uh, why don't you go see the HR guy they will help you get set up with unemployment." He stands, extends his hand, I give it a firm shake, and proceed to my desk, then to my van cleaning out all my stuff - watched the whole time and escorted by the HR guy --- people these days must really fear that ex-employees will either rip them off, or go 'postal'.
Once outside in the parking lot, I stand next to the stack of 6 boxes, my brand new thermos full of hot coffee that was supposed to get me through the day, my neatly packed lunch box containing, a ham and swiss cheese sandwich - with dijon mustard - a bag of cheetos, butterscotch pudding, and a banana, I stand there, shocked and directionless, and all I can think of is .... 'fuck' what do I do now.
Well, I won't go into all the details - I did that the LAST time I blogged, and these past few weeks have been pretty much the same as they were almost two years ago. No job, no savings to speak of, not idea what the hell I am going to do. A family that has no confidence any more in anything I attempt and a realization that I am faced once again - like so many other Americans - saying, "God, I'll do ANYTHING." This time around though things are a little less devastating than they were before... My resume needs only a couple of lines of updating, I have a bank of cover letters stored on the computer and I am at least eligible for unemployment compensation so I do have SOME income to count on sooner or later.
During this venture into the land of unemployment I have tried to institute some kind of 'plan' in the hopes that this will yeild a job quicker than the 10 months it took me last time. So during the first week of this employment quest, I sat down at the computer and plotted out a daily plan....Get up, get dressed, see the kid and wife off to school, walk the dogs, eat some breakfast, sit at the computer and fill out on-line job aps, have some lunch, work in the studio, fill out some more job applications, pick the kid up, make dinner, spend time with family....wash, rinse, repeat.... Great idea. Great plan....it lasted about 3days. For reasons including a horrible chemo thereapy treatament (see my other blog, www.secondbattle.blogspot.com) the plan has not worked well. The following week I was exhausted. I think a combination of chemo, and mental drain from the anguish, embarrassment and uncertainty surrounding having no job, I could literally get almost nothing done.
Nothing seemed worth it. I'd get up, do the morning thing of seeing everone off, talk about my plan for the day, then sit in the chair. The dog would crawl up into my lap and the next thing I know it was 11:30 a.m. the morning wasted. So, what. I'd let the dogs out, get some lunch and coffee, crawl back into the chair where either the dog would return to his sleeping spot, or the stupid cat would take over. I'd watch an episode of house or a movie, then fall back asleep, and then would wake up in time to get the kid from school, come home and tend to dinner.....wash rinse repeat. In essence I think I feel like I have given up. I continue to apply for jobs on the internet, hoping that SOMEONE will call me for an interview, but I hold out little hope for that, in this economy.
What really gets me this time around is when I spend time analyzing myself as a potential 'employee', and the list of valuable assets given where we live and try to work is pretty damn, short. WARNING THIS NEXT SESSION IS RIDDLED WITH SELF-PITTY AND REGRET: I do not have a 'profession'. I never really have. When I entered the world of work as a college graduate I was in a field that was on the downswing even then - photojournalism. Sure, I worked in that field for a while, but eventually the business has changed so much that even all the experience I had amassed - nearly 15 years is fairly worthless - especially since the only real newspaper in town offering full time jobs is a UNION paper and without 5 years experience at a union paper, you don't even get an interview - trust me I know. Technology has also sapped my chances to return to photography as a career. Almost all new cameras make it fairly easy for anyone to capture the news and events of the day, and with the shrinking of physical newspapers, and explosion of digital media - the pay is worse than minimum wage and no one hires full time staffers any more anyhow.
So that leads to my second career - teaching. My main stumbling block here is the fact that I have no 'state-teaching-license' for public schools. In my areas of training at the time, Phys-Ed and Computer Technology, none were required. I had been on a track to get a Masters in Education, but that got side tracked by a host of life issues at the time I was trying to finish my degree; deaths in the family, births in the family, home purchase, job changes. SO, I found myself plodding along on past experience and a thin layer of qualifications in Technology Education that allowed me to work in that field for another 10 years or so.
As I should have guessed along the way, my shortcomings would catch up with me in this day of paper-trails and certifications. Everyone wants employees with lots of experience and lots of training and papertrails of proof that one can do what it says on ones resume. So, I find myself now with a three page resume covering almost 30 years, in 3 or 4 fields of employment, yet at 49, find it almost impossible to even get a job interview. Currently I seem to be either too old, too qualified or too young and not qualified enough for upper management/corporate positions that 'men-of-my-age' should be moving into.
There is almost some humor that comes out of this. I seem to now be returning to a near fantasy world where I have almost convinced myself that I am a good enough artist and clever enough marketeer and that my artwork is valued enough on the market that I can some how make a LIVING as a working artist. SO I live this schizophrenic existence where one part of my mind is trying to convince the other that it is possible to make living as an artist...and that if I keep saying it over and over like some kind of mantra that it will happen. And the other part of me is laughing it's realistic ass off just knowing that I had better find a 'regular' job - and soon - or I will find myself out on my ass, divorced and standing in line with the guys down at the Cherry Street mission, waiting for free breakfast and lunch with all the other losers who cannot find work. Well, that is where my head is at today. Maybe tomorrow will be different, maybe tomorrow I will bet back on the ball and push a bit harder to get a job, so I can be a valuable money earning provider for the income of my household. At least at that point there will be less for people to be upset about around here.
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