Phase 26: "Should I Stay, or Should I go?" Transitional Experiences

Well, the 12th of October marked eight months since I lost my job. If you've been following my blog, you should understand that the experience for me has run the gamut from shock to confusion, into depression  and reconstruction, and out the other end to employment. All in all, not an experience I would recommend for anyone, but one that can lead to many revelations about ones' life and a better understanding of what is important in your life.

Stepping out of the abyss that is unemployment required that I shift my thinking in many ways, and finally in July (oddly on the 12th) I was finally hired after over 200 application filings, a dozen or so interviews and lots and lots of coffee and supportive conversation with friends. As odd as it seems this experience of reentry into the job-force has set me to continued thinking about the nature of work and how it fits into our lives. As I discovered during my unemployment time (Phase 8 or 9 I think) that the thing we define as 'work' fills a 40 hour a week hole in our week, that when missing leaves us worse than empty. Oddly enough, I have discovered that simply 'filling-the-hole' with another job, is just about as bad. So, the question for me has become.... "Should I stay or should I go?"

Borrowing from 'The Clash' .....

Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?


Alright, I have been reemployed for a couple months now. I have made it through my initial training period, have a grasp of the basic skills required for the job, and have ventured out on my own for a few weeks now, testing the waters in a new profession. What I have discovered is this; the job I used to have required a totally different 'kind' of work that I am doing now. The new job is exhausting in it's own ways, has it's rewards, once I look past the pains and is something I think I cold manage for a while.

But, it is not a life-filling experience, not something I see myself doing for the next phase of my working life as I approach retirement. So, as I said in my last post, I am now always keeping my eye out for something else...if not for the 'fulfillment-factor', but for the 'insurance-factor' should this current job collapse underneath me. Always looking, always making contacts, trying to have a bit of control, a bit of choice in where I end up next.

If you say that you are mine
I'll be here till the end of time


In case you are not young enough to realize, or you are old enough that you just don't care any more, we are living in an employment economy that is build (in my opinion) on shifting sands and there is no one who really knows how to shore it up or when or where the next 'collapse' will occur. For me, gone are the days where someone graduates from high school or college, enters a job at 21 or 22 and works at the same place until they retire 30 or 40 years later - people my parents age were the last generation who lived in an employment economy like this.

What I have noticed is that there seems to be a broad, almost 20 year cycle (that I have lived through at least) where the economy seems to need to re-boot or re-tool itself in order to encompass larger changes in the work economy. Looking back at the late 80's, I had just graduated college, entered the work force and was trying to establish myself as a young professional -- then came the first collapse (for my generation) and I spent several years working multiple jobs simultaneously trying to fill that 40 hour a week hole and pay my bills ---- "Welcome to the real world.." was the mantra every time I would complain.

The next phase for me included marriage, a battle of cancer, our first child, a couple more job changes, transitioning from 'apartment living' to 'home ownership', another child, transition to more (seemingly) stable employment for one or two employers, a life-schedule regulated and built around work, school and home. It seemed that life would roll smoothly from there, but it never really does.

It's always tease tease tease
You're happy when I'm on my knees
One day is fine, and next is black


Another personal discovery for me as I get older, experience more aspects of life, is that is that there is a very fine line between future planning and crushing disappointment, and often times there is nothing that one can do to stave off being run-over by the train of life. As My study of martial arts tells, no matter how good your training, no matter how many hours you put in honing your skills, you cannot avoid the sucker-punches that get thrown your way. I, at least, have spent far too many hours trying to do just that, only to discover that what is more important than preparation is how you react.

One day your economic situation is fine - the next, the gears of your transmission collapse, or your refrigerator dies, or your plumbing bursts. Even worse, illness or death enter your life... Even when you know death is imminent due to disease, it makes no difference. Likewise, when those sudden losses of friends or loved ones happen, we are all forced to put on the brakes, cope with the present, reassess the future and figure out how to move on. None of this is easy.

The same can be said for hopes and dreams. It is interesting to me, again from watching others, there seem to be only two types of people when it comes to hopes and dreams. It will seem cliche' but there are those who continue to reach, seeing their goals clearly in front of them and have (somehow) figured out how to keep focus on this -- despite the crap that gets thrown in their path. Then there are those who, at one time or another, had wonderfully outlined plans, dreams, goals and such and somewhere along the way they simply let go, maybe not all at once it may take years and years but they give up with their vision of the future and simply drift along, working, working, working, until they reach retirement, and death.

I hope that I am the type of person who is somewhere in between. If I have gained anything from my recent job loss, it is that I had become complacent. Happy to continue on and on, enjoying my job, yes, but not really growing or finding any real reward - directly - from my 'job' - other aspects of being there, yes, but my involvement in these more creative aspects were not appreciated, and in the end contributed to me losing my job.

So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I Stay or should I go?

So, after all this reflection and new-found vision, here is the real kicker. I am in a dilemma that I have never found myself before. I am preparing to take a step I have never done before... I am leaving a job BECAUSE I WANT TO. The job I have now does what it is supposed to, it brings in a pay check, fills that 40+ hour hole in my week, is steady, reliable, and unlikely to disappear even in this economy. So, why, after being unemployed would I even CONSIDER giving up a very tame bird in the hand to chase down another one in the proverbial bush? Trust me I have spent many sleepless hours -- and day-dreamed-hours on the road of my current job considering this, weighing the pluses and minuses.

The conclusion I have come to is that I want some control over my work-life. My current job leaves little chance to control my work, and frankly I am tired of giving over, giving in, and watching myself give up again. I have had it with back-burnering-all my plans. The new job which I am approaching, while still in the 'traditional' arena, is structured so that I can put efforts into the things I enjoy and can redirect my efforts toward an outcome where I can spend increasing amounts of time doing what I LOVE to provide for my needs and weaning away from working just for money. I will proceed with a more positive outlook and refocused mission to get to where I want to be for the next period of my 'work-life'.

Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know

O.K. I have made my decision to leap from job to job with a refocused eye towards where I want to be. It will NOT be easy. It will take planning and hard work. I have done this before, but the difference is that in the past I spent too much time listening to dissenters than to my supporters. Some times the voices that guide us come from within, but as life progress and we build relationships, parent children and strive to meet their needs, other voices take precedence.... and not always the ones we should be listening to.

I admire individuals - no matter what the field they choose who have been able to listen to their own voice and have been able to progress at their own pace, getting to where THEY want their selves to be. Maybe because I see the future a bit differently now than I did 10, 15 or 20 years ago that the drive for 'work/professional' happiness is more important than ever. My wife and I have raised up and sent off our first child to college - a feat that I can't still believe. Our second child is working his way through the schooling process and has good role models to look up to, so we expect the same thing from him down the road.

I also, with each year, become more and more aware of my own mortality - not to be morbid, but - my biological father lived to be 60, his father to 72, my grandmother to 83. I just turned 48, and depending on the day, my body (or my wife) remind me that I am no longer a 22 year old college student - the methods of their doing so vary from day to day, but I have notice that the cabinet of prescription meds I take to stay alive seems to grow by one or two bottles a year. I don't like it, but when the alternative is a quick exit, I guess I will continue to take them and hope for the best.

So, give all this, who do I turn to? Who do I listen to? Who is there to give me the kind of encouragement I need to make this final employment/work transition? I have begun to listen to and take seriously the people who, for years have been trying their best to encourage my artistic endeavors. I seem more likely to listen to those voices than to the ones that try to keep me down, keep me tied to traditional work/money/bills routine. I actually look forward to this job change with relish, the chance to expand one area of my life and to close down another without (hopefully) too much agony along the way.

This indecision's bugging me...
Exactly whom I'm supposed to be...
Don't you know which clothes even fit me?

This verse hit me rather hard...as I was working in my studio the other night... My OLD job required, dress slacks, pressed shirts, a tie, and comfy indoor shoes... My current job - a company shirt (the same uniform each day) company slacks, work boots, base-ball cap. etc. I have come to the realization that the clothes that fit me best will be ones in which I can create. For a while, I will have to continue with the 'conformity-of-a-uniform' for a while with an eye to the day when I can - like Superman or Spiderman - peel off the clothes of the norm and live life best suited to my skills and desires!

Should I stay or should I go now?

Well, I am outta-here, on to the new job, on to the next step.

Phase 25: Laboring For What? Exactly?

I was sitting in my studio the other evening, working on a painting, when 'BWONG!', a message box pops up on my laptop screen... "Are you still writing your Unemployment/Employment Blog? I haven't seen anything in a while."

I had to stop and think. 'When WAS the last time I had written? Why has it been so long? Have I drifted so fully back into the 'traditional-workforce' that I no longer have the NEED to comment anymore? Does having a regular job mean I SHOULDN'T contribute to my blog anymore? Does anything I say now, have any relevant meaning to the experience of the unemployed, or newly re-employed? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that by continuing to comment I may accomplish several positive things, at least in my world.

THIS BLOG WILL FORCE ME TO BE CONSTANTLY AWARE OF THE FOLLOWING

1) In this economy, no job is as secure or as permanent as I may think. I could just as easily go in to work tomorrow and be let go after a few months as abruptly from my new job as I was dropped from my last job after five years.

2) The door of opportunity will NEVER open if I do not KNOCK! Loudly and repeatedly. I must continue to scour job placement resources for other chances to improve my lot. If I quit looking I will never find that 'perfect-job' (yeah, yeah, I know...it will probably not happen_

3) A 'job' is what I do to get by. Any position where I am doing something I don't WANT to do MUST be balanced with efforts to advanced opportunities towards what I DO WANT to do.

4) As an adult I have generally worked too hard for too little money for myself, doing things I don't enjoy, to either make money for OTHER people or to make OTHER peoples' lives easier.

The more look around me, I see this as an all too common trend in our society. We train and prepare for one career and life throws wrenches into the machines of hope we have built. When this happens we do what necessity demands - we compromise, we take what is given, wad up the anger and disappointment into that acerbic place deep inside, where it festers, sometimes for years, before it boils back to the surface. 

This frustration emerges (in my opinion). ONE, you can give up, bend up and take it until you retire and die - being miserable all along the way - I have seen this happen to many, many people. TWO, you can direct this frustration towards the point where you 'work' becomes your 'passion' and your passion and effort can finally pay your bills, AND make you happy.

Yes, yes, I fully recognize that many people DO in fact have jobs they LOVE and that those jobs provide for their economic and personal happiness. But, my experience has shown me that these people are the very smallest of percentages.

So where does that leave ME in all this? I walk the line...that percarious line  between the two, and I think being stuck in the middle is toughest of all. At some point in each day, I have to convince myself to stay on the line and look to the side of the work future that I WANT and not just to say 'The Heck With It.' give up, shut up, grab my gear, go with the flow, make the money, pay the bills, quit worrying about being happy or enjoying what I do, blah, blah, blah.

I have mentioned this to friends over cups of coffee, that I feel I was closer to doing what I want -- and making money doing it -- while I was unemployed! And that every day I continue working in the traditional-job, is making it that much tougher to walk the line and get to where I want to be.