Phase 8: Sadly...."It's All About The Benjamins"

     Well, I am now in week 6 of the unemployment experience. I have reminisced somewhat whimsically about various phases of emotions that I have been through, trying to keep an upbeat nature about things. But, being honest with myself in this situation, it does get tougher to maintain a cheerful front as I approach what I believe is a crossroads based purely on the ability to meet the economic needs of my family.
     Again, I know I must temper the fact that my period of unemployment is no where near as long or as painful (yet) as many thousands of others in this country, it is fear of the future that is worse than anything for me at this point. I feel like I am a kid again, waiting for a punishment to be administered - sitting at the edge of my bed, waiting for a spanking.
    As I sit here, in the dark, early in the morning, wrapped in a blanket, coffee at hand, at what traditionally has been my favorite time of day, I now find myself almost paralyzed with fear about what lies ahead. I have that same gut wrenching, pre-punishment fear - the bile rises in your stomach to the point of wanting to vomit.
    Every poor economic decision, or on the job decision, that has led up to this point now runs through my head like some mad Rollo-Dex of shortcomings. Every time it comes to rest it seems to reveal yet another bad decision that has led to my plight. The list in my head is too long to share here.
     In our society we are defined by what we do for a living. More to the point in the current economy it is even more basic than that - it's not WHAT you do for a living that matters, as much as it is do you have a JOB! Sitting at home, scouring the internet for job opportunities, listening to talk radio, passively watching television talk shows, examining my dwindling available finances, I find myself balancing on the edge of giving up. It's all about money.
      No job, denied unemployment, bills to pay, one kid expecting to go to college in less than half a year, the other in need of braces, a house in need of some major fix-ups. It is hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Heck, at this point I would even accept the light of the proverbial train - ending the thoughts that creep back into my mind.
    Rarely in my life have I felt the need to just not feel anything - I understand the allure of drugs, alcohol and even the release of suicide that many resort to. But, as I have said, those paths are not for me. The confusing thing is I don't know whether those paths demonstrate great strength of will, or complete lack of will.
     Given the fact that giving up is not on the table, moving on will not be easy. It will involve the pain and embarrassment of self-disclosure of my situation to complete strangers. I know the necessity of it, but it does not make my stomach churn any less. Until, I get another job, I must face the reality of the situation. I am now one of the masses putting out my hand for help. It's all about money.
      I am faced with calls to my mortgage company, our utility companies, college financial aid offices, and the like - forced to ask for extensions, reductions and extra help. Asking for help has never been easy for me, because I have been taught that a a man worth his salt is self sufficient and can get through anything on his own. Now I have to depend on every one just to get by. It's bad enough asking for the help of family, but it is even worse having to talk with strangers - for those of you who know me, this will seem a weird contradiction since I have been told that I never shut up. It's all about money.
   So I will just say that is increasingly difficult to push back these images, as I sit here in the dark. My coffee now cold. I have to force myself to get up and move on. One day at a time, trying to find a new source of money to keep things going. It's all about the Benjamins.