Phase 2: Peering into the VOID...pulling back.

    O.K. so, I recovered from the humiliating shot to the groin, dried the tears of worry and disbelief, and woke up on the other side.
    As I spent the first few days of a the 'work-week' following losing my job, it's really hard to capture all that was going on.
    The best place to start, I guess would be how feelings pop in and out of my mind, like some kind of AD/HD disorder. One second, I'm fine, the next;
    WHAM the embarrassment (of being let go), pops into my mind. I push it back by trying to be active...I do some laundry.
    WHAM the anger (at those involved in the decision). I push it back. I take the dogs for a walk.
    SNAP the guilt (maybe I could have done more to keep my job). I go have coffee with a friend.
    SMACK the worry (we still have bills to pay). I update my resume.
    CRUSH the uncertainty (what the hell  am I going to do  next). I call my father-in-law for encouragement.
    One thing I am discovering is that most of us, no matter how much we like or dislike our jobs, have a built in psychological tool that works both for and against us... I don't really have a name for it, but I am beginning to understand it's function. When we work, we focus on work, all the other stuff, all the concerns, problems, issues that are part of our non-work lives, disappear.
   It seems silly, but being 'in-the-zone' at the job frees our minds from all of this stuff. Now, I am not saying this is good or bad, but when someone or some event takes that away from you, no RIPS it from you, you are left with a huge void. A chasm that was filled one minute and now is a gaping hole in your life. We don't often think of our jobs in this way, or at least I hadn't, until faced with this 8-10 hour gap in your daily life.
   The funny thing is, the perception of this gap differs depending on who you talk to and what THEIR situation is. Here are a few examples of what has been said (I will change the names to proect the innocent!)
BILL - still employed at my old workplace: "Dude, you are sooo lucky. You don't have to deal with all the bull-shit anymore." - Despite everything, I LOVED working there.
MARTHA - doesn't work, her husband makes lots of money: "Wow, you must feel soooo free. You can sleep in all you want now!" - Uh, no. I still have kids to get to school, and need to hunt for a new job.
RALPH - has been unemployed for over 2 years: "It's not the end of the world, man. Now you can look around and find what you really want to do." - A nice sentiment, one that does offer some hope, but how can I do this AND pay my bills?
SALLY - mother of two, barely holding on to two jobs : "This must be awful. Do you think you'll be o.k.? How can I help?" - Suddenly I realize that the employment market in our area (and country) is pretty tight. What WILL I do?
   After a couple days of this, I stand in front of the mirror. I question my worthiness on many levels; am I a good person? Why me? Am I a good father? Am I a good husband? Do I have the skills to get another job - any job? Will we have to sell our house? Will we have to move away from Toledo? Is it all worth it? Why do I continue to try? For that matter, why bother to go on living......
.....Yes, to be honest, ending it all has flashed passed my mind. In the darkest moments, when I can no longer find anything to counter the pain, or silence the voices in my head, all the ones filled with worry and anxiety they have been there. This is probably one of the hardest things about being unemployed, the ease to which you can slip into these 'dark-zones'.
   As I spent several mornings and afternoons, driving around town, reconnecting with friends, dropping off resumes, calling in old markers, anything to try to find work. I found my self suddenly paying attention to the people on the streets. Stereotypes aside, I create mental life-stories in my head for the guy with the scraggly beard and the worn out doubled up shopping bags containing, clearly a bottle of Wild Irish  Rose and what look like socks. Or, as I pass the Rescue Mission, I see an old woman and a man, sharing a cigarette, while hovering over their pile of belongings. I wonder, 'How far am I from that?'.
    In my mind, and in my heart, I can see just how easy it would be to give up. To just say, 'The hell with it!' and drop away from family and friends, and just drift away, becoming one of 'them'. I see how easy it is for people to crawl into a bottle or into a crack pipe. But I was not raised that way.
    Like it or not, for better or worse, I have the voice of my Dad in my head, and the support of family and friends, who in all honesty, probably see my situation much more clearly than I imagine. I pull away from those dark places and try to move on.
    So, I pull back into the driveway. Go in the house, tussle with the dogs for a minute, and then sit down to do one of the most personally embarrassing things I have ever done in my life - I file for unemployment.
    As I sit at the keyboard, with the image of my Dad, shaking his head as he watches me, I fill out the forms. I know this will be vital to keeping things going as I continue to look for work.
   I have spent enough time with misery and guilt, and all the other things mentioned above and now it is time to once again, stand up, shake it off and move on.
   I know now, that I am still alive! I still have people I care about and who need me. I have skills that will allow me to get a job! I still have a home to come home to, kids that still think I'm the best, a wife that understands the situation, and is my rock. And, to top it all off, two dogs and even one cat that know only that I am home, and they love me in the blind way only pets can!
   So I will pick up the leashes, grab the dogs and go take  walk in the sunshine. Time to formulate a new plan. One for moving on.