Well, it happened. Five months and seven days. 212 applications, nine first interviews, three second interviews and I am now employed again...
Thankfully,
Suddenly,
Finally,
I have re-connected with the working world. I can wake up in the morning, knowing that I have a new 'purpose', a new 'reason for being', I am 'worthy' again...
But, wait a minute... I have spent the time since losing my job trying to process the whole meaning of work. From the pain of losing a job, to the empty feeling not having anything to fill the void that a job usually does, to questioning my worth as a person because I didn't have work. These reflections, and the associated time free from the confines of the 'work-day' allowed me to examine many areas of my life and to really study how 'work' fits into the overall picture.
So, now, I begin afresh, I am embarking on a new adventure into the world of employment. I have taken the advice of friends and will continue my blog and change my focus a bit to encompass the whole notion of 'work' and the role it plays in our lives.
I have several goals and motives behind this new series of posts. Some relate to my on-going personal travels through the world of work, others I hope, will serve as examples to those who may be soon entering this mysterious world for the first time (read, high school or college grads!) to those who are re-entering the work force in new positions that may be unfamiliar or where they feel they may not quite fit in, given the variety of life experience we all bring to the table as employees.
As I prepared for the first day of my new job, my MP3 player was shuffling through songs and it hit on a Beatles classic, and I stopped, shampoo stinging my eyes as I and listened to the lyrics...
Woke up, fell out of bed,
Well, I didn't quite FALL out of bed, it was more like trying to pull myself off of one of those velcro-walls. Remember, for the past five months, I have had little NEED to get up early... I look at the clock - can't see it of course without my glasses - fumbling around, finding them, I refocus on the clock. "Christ, 5:15 A.M. ... What am I THINKING!?" Sitting up, trying to wrap my sleepy mind around what will become my new schedule - Getting up before the roosters. Am I INSANE for taking this job? Do I really NEED to work THAT bad? Duh, yes. I have been without a paycheck for almost half a year, living off a slowly dwindling pension from my previous job. I have bills to pay and a kid headed to private college in less than a month. Of COURSE I need the work. Standing up, in the dark cursing at all the stuff I trip on as I head to the shower.
Dragged a comb across my head
Cleaned and dressed with a quiet house I take a few moments to assess what the new job entails. A drastic change in my 'work-day' from the last months of the 'non-work-day'. Funny that. When I was out of work, many thought that I was NOT working. Nothing could be further from the truth. Besides the work involved in a job hunt (see Phases 4, 10, 15), I was able to get to many of the things we put off on a day to day basis -- because of our 'jobs'. So, now a couple of weeks into the training period for my new job, I find that there are changes -- again, ones that I have suddenly noticed.
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup,
In what is ends up being the only cool, quiet time of my work day - between 5 and 6 A.M., I get a few moments to sit on the back porch with a cup of hot coffee, watching the dogs chase whatever mysteries nature has seen fit to place in the back yard overnight, I consider how things are changing, and to be honest, I am not really happy about many of them.
With my day starting with the trek to work at 6:00 A.M., my work done in the heat of the day - hot attic spaces, cramped crawl spaces, attacks by squadrons of hornets, travel in vehicles without air conditioning. I return most nights around 6:00 in the evening, exhausted. Too tired to do much more than shower, eat a little dinner and hit the bed by 11:00 or earlier.
I think what bothers me is that during the last few weeks I had begun to get into a 'routine' of being unemployed. I know it doesn't make much sense, but looking back, I had filled the 'work-day' with other activities, that many would consider a waste of time, my artwork for example. With time to spare, during the day I had begun to make a push towards making my artwork pay as much as a 'regular job'. I had even begun to make bigger plans than ever before. I feel I was really ready to turn a corner, and then, WHAM !! I land a job. I got a job and was not sure that I wanted one. Now, please don't read into this that I am not happy to HAVE a job, to help pay the bills, etc., but a big part of my being didn't WANT one, does that make sense? I was finally on the road to making money doing something I LOVE doing and in a couple short weeks, I am seeing this vision fade, again, as I give in to the 'real-world' employment.
And looking up I noticed I was late.
Awake, check.
Showered and dressed, check.
Breakfast and coffee, check.
Time with the dogs, check.
Crap, I am forgetting something......
... Yes, I need to make a lunch.
Where's that dang lunch box?
How come there's no lunch food left in the fridges.
I look at the clock. No more time, I gotta go...
Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in seconds flat
Well, not the bus, but zooming along in the early dawn, the drive to my new job is not that bad. NPR on the radio, coffee in the mug beside me, all crisp and clean and eager to get working. A new job, a new day, a new phase of my life, yet I can't shake the feeling that some how this is wrong..... It's the Wooglies again (see Phase 12). They have taken over, again. This time they make me feel almost like a coin-flipping schizophrenic as I drive along the way. In my head the Wooglies fuel my confusion,
"God, it's great to have a job! I am finally whole again!" the leaf-turing Wooglies say.
"What? You're pathetic! Your a sell out! Going back to the old routine!" the recently unearthed artistic wooglies reply.
"But, I have bills to pay, and I can do this work!", the leaf-turners continue.
"You're not gonna be happy! We have seen this pattern before. WHY are you such a wimp?" reply the artistic ones.
I pull into the parking lot of my new employer, "Jeezus! Would you two shut the hell up and leave me alone!" I shout to them - to no one in particular, except my self.
I park, grab my thermos, lunch box and a pen, ready for day one of my new job.
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke,
The first few hours of my new job reveal many things. First of all, I do NOT smoke. Seemingly I am the ONLY one of my three other 'trainees' that does not. Along with this, it seems that all the the other employees I work with DO smoke. As I have discovered, smoking occupies much of their time (more on that later). So, the first day of training goes on; pages and pages of paperwork, recitation of company policy and rules, introductions around the table of my fellow trainees. Interruption seems the norm in our first day, from employees consulting our instructor, our instructor sharing 'on-the-job-anecdotes', power-point presentations on company history, and perusal of the 'Training Manual', cigarette breaks, coffee breaks and before we know it, the day is over.
Somebody spoke and I went into a dream
Driving home was a different experience than getting to work! Let's just summarize it by saying two words; road construction. I think no matter where you live it seems that the population explosion of orange barrels has the ability to turn any drive into a pressure cooker, both of temperature and emotions. Even though my first day of work was relatively peaceful - indoors, in the air conditioning, not too taxing, the drive home set me to thinking of my new situation, as a way to keep from going into a fit of heat/construction induced road rage.
Calm, down, take big drink of the Slurpee, relax.......
So, I'm employed again, I have a job. I have meaning and purpose to my life. I am part of the 'good society'. I am productive. I provide for my family. I can help pay the bills. I get up, I go to work, do my job, drive home, eat, try to spend time with the family, go to bed early, fall asleep. I can dream now, but they are fitful ones.
They involve me on some kind of raft, drifting away from something, not towards anything, but, fading away, in the distance, once again, a small part of my dream of making art for a living. A dream that had started to emerge from the fog of my life. I reached for it, really hard this time. But at least for now, due to the immediate economic needs, that seem to be only met by 'traditional employment' they drift further away, again. They are clearer and nearer than ever before.
The next part of life's journey will be to figure out how to do both, with a strong eye on my goals, while still making ends meet.
If anything at all has come from this experience it is that HOPE is REAL, and that AMBITION does not have to give way to NECESSITY. The challenge is to figure out how to do what I love and get paid for doing it.
Now, THAT would be a JOB I could live with for a while.
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