Phase 12: "Dealing with the Wooglies" or Life without a schedule

Am I coming down with something?

    As I walk through the world of the unemployed, I have had this weird, pit-of-the-stomach feeling that has been hard to de-cypher. It usually hits me first thing in the morning. I get up - not to the alarm - my body seems to wake me about the same time of day no matter what. 
     I wander sleepily through the house. It's just after 6 A.M., my wife has already left, in the dark, for the bus stop to begin her 90 minute trip to work. I then go room to room waking the boys for school, they move much slower than I do, for some reason age has not allowed me to sleep the sleep of the dead as teen-agers seem to do. I still feel sick to my stomach. I head downstairs to make coffee. Maybe a bagel will settle what ever is going on inside. 
     I still can't quite figure what is wrong. I think about it as I warm my hands over the toaster - chasing away the morning chill of the kitchen. At first I thought it was the flu, then I thought it was some reaction to my medication, then it hit me... It's the Wooglies!


Enter the Wooglies!


     Ah, what are the Wooglies, you ask... You have had them, we all have! We call them by different names, but the feeling is the same... They are akin to the 'Butterflies' that people get when they are nervous. But the Wooglies are different...they are driven by confusion, fear, despair, and uncertainty. And, for me they are time-dependent. They seem to show up for an hour or two every morning as I go through all the awful things associated with being unemployed. Despite all the things I do, I can't seem to start the day without them.
      I've come to realize that what is missing in my in my life is the regimentation and routine that come with 'the daily grind'. The 9-to-5 that we so often bitch about is what defines the structure of our days. From the time we are born, we have been conditioned to live by the clock. Think about it. If some one came to you and said...'You're fired, go home, and don't come back.' Think about it... Think of all that would mean to you and your individual situation... Soon you will be experiencing the Wooglie moment.
The thing that is different for those of us without jobs is that we can no longer push back the Wooglies away from our consciousness as easily as those of us with jobs to do. Jobs fill the cracks in our pshche through the which the Wooglies get in and start messing with our brains.


"A schedule...is a net for catching days." - Annie Dillard


      So, I managed to get the kids to school and then back home where I, along with the dog curled up in my chair and began to ponder the day. I hadn't bothered to even turn on the television, radio or even start the coffee pot. I just sat there... in my chair... with the dog... and the ever growing mass of Wooglies invading my mind. What to do? What to do? Laundry? No. Walk the dogs? No. Hey, I could do the dishes! No. Sweep the floor? No. Every new suggestion hatched another Wooglie who did it's best to convince me to stay put, unproductive, in my chair... 'Go to sleeeeeep!' They say... 'Go to sleeeeeep!' So,  I did.
     Thankfully our bodies have needs and the call to nature woke me up about an hour later. I pushed the lump labrador of my lap. Shook off enough of the Wooglies to get up and make my way to the bathroom. As I was showering away the sleep, I realized that without a job, or without something 'productive' to do with our time...we modern humans are lost. Lost to the whim of the Wooglies. We wander aimlessly trying to fill the time with SOMETHING. 
     This experience is giving me a better understanding of two groups of people, 'housewives' (or husbands) retirees. I now see why many people who retire live short lives. God, it's so simple. Suddenly after a 20, 30, 40 (or 5!) years some one decides that it's time for you to go. Pack it in. Sail off into the sunset, or what ever descriptions you want to use, it's all the same. You leave one day, go home. And the next, you have no where to go. This expanse of empty time opens in front of you, like a cliff, and it's almost debilitating, the emptiness, suddenly your time is your own, but it's worthless...no one wants it! Man talk about food for suicide!


Again... "A schedule...is a net for catching days."


    So, it appears I need a new net. I need to create a new meaning for myself. I find this is the bane of the self-employed - possibly one of the reasons so many small businesses fail... The owners lack the ability to structure their new found 'freedom'. Why are we surprised! We are not RAISED to be independent (though we like to THINK so) we are raised to follow instructions, to grow, learn, to become good enough at something to get a job, where we are further molded into 'good workers'. Very few of us actually step completely out of the hampster-wheel of schedule dependence into the world of the independent work -- where you make your own net, one day at a time. I think this is where I am right now. I have dealt with the stuff that I am leaving behind and discover which kind of structure (schedule) I will develop as I go forward.